“I don’t know what I want” isn’t true.

feminine energy coach, life coach for professional women, I don't know, how to get unstuck

I frequently encounter people who state that they don’t know what they want. They’re not satisfied with their current circumstances, but they claim they don’t know what else they would do.

They’re usually bored with their job. They find a lot of fault with they person they’re dating. They’re not particularly engaged with the movies they watch, but they keep watching them anyway while they scroll through their phones on the couch.

They might not characterize themselves as “negative” people. They might be satisfied with a lot and grateful for some things.

But they know they’re kinda bullshitting themselves on something that is really important.

A lot of folks are leading lives of quiet desperation. And many are choosing it.

And I am fascinated by this. Why would anyone ever repeatedly choose, day in and day out, a dissatisfying life?

It makes about as much sense as picking your absolute least favorite pizza toppings while you watch your friends gobble up your favorite pie at the other end of the table.

If you are in the “first world” (horrible term, I know), if you have some relative amount of comfort or privilege, why on earth would you squander your enormous powers of choice? So many people do.

As a Deep Dive Coach, I am totally ok with asking bold questions. It’s not rude if it is delivered in a loving and safe manner. I ask, why do you keep choosing a life you do not want?

And I still keep hearing from so many people, “I don’t know.”

It’s time to get real about “I don’t know.”

Here’s the hard cold truth of this.

You’re choosing all these things, even though they’re not what you want, and you are choosing to not look at them in a way that would generate, at the very least, a feeling of curiosity. And you’re not taking any actions to find out what might be out there that might be more interesting to you. 

You clearly prefer being dissatisfied with your life, otherwise you wouldn’t continue to wake up every day and fill your plate with what you don’t like.

Are you thinking right now, “Ouch! I thought SaraEllen was a nice person.” Or maybe you’re thinking, “maybe she has a point, except [insert circumstances here].”

Why you are stuck

Have you ever felt bored and dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, but don’t do anything different and don’t know why? We’ve all done it. There’s no harm in it. You just don’t want to stay there.

Today you’re going to find out why. Right now. Ready?

You’re bored and dissatisfied because you want to be. You say “I don’t know” because you don’t want to tell yourself the truth.

Ohhhh, snap.

Now you might be thinking that I’m not very empathetic to your circumstances that you are using as the reason for your dissatisfaction. I do have empathy, for reasons that we’ll get into below. But first, here’s what else I’m going to say:

A coach, mentor or healer can’t really help you if you want to remain dissatisfied. And I, personally, don’t want to help you feel better about walking around with a metaphorical rock in your shoe. 

Coaching works when you are honest with yourself.

I want to help you if, and only if, you look at some part of your life — that you were silently resentful or sad about for months or years — and you woke up this morning and exclaimed, “it’s unacceptable. I absolutely cannot settle for this anymore.”

My dear reader, what is completely unacceptable to you? What are you realizing you can’t tolerate or settle for anymore? For example:

Your colleague with less experience is making more money than you.

You’re the only one answering the phone and signing the clients, but you’re not partner.

You want to go work somewhere else, but you’re afraid.

You’re dating someone out of convenience, but you can’t bring yourself to break up with them.

You wear pilled, stained pajama pants to your home office because everything is remote nowadays. And then sometimes you end up going to the grocery store in pajama pants…..

You agreed to houseguests for the third time since Thanksgiving, and they all expect you to wait on them.

How to stop settling for less than you deserve

It starts with not letting yourself say, “I don’t know.”

Don’t go around in circles with any coach until you find such conditions utterly intolerable and unacceptable. I won’t believe you when you claim you “don’t know” what you want. You already do. You really do deep down. 

When you say “I don’t know,” it’s not true. It’s a cover for something else. And it’s always one of two things:

— You don’t believe you’re capable of getting it. And this feels SO scary.

— You don’t believe you’re allowed to have it. And this makes you SO angry.

And I have tremendous empathy for you. I have many times felt that fear and anger. These were good, useful emotions that made me take the rock out of my shoe.

This fear, this anger, is a really exciting place to be. It indicates you’ve crossed the threshold into being honest with yourself. And this is the beginning of your real capability, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Even if in some way, it feels worse than the ennui you felt before. 

It won’t feel terrible for long. Trust that this is the beginning of great things if you don’t look back. 

Because then you’re ready to work with me. I can help you change your world much faster than you can alone.

I’ll hear from you soon.