A lot of high-achieving women struggle with relationships. It’s time for that to change.
You are ready to think about all of your relationships in a wholly different way — personal and professional.
This week’s episode of the Feminine Energy Feminist Podcast is an excerpt of a class I taught going into depth on several key concepts I live by and use when working with my coaching and mentoring clients:
- Feminine energy and masculine energy
- Brooke Castillo’s Self-Coaching Model
- Brooke Castillo’s concept of the “manual,” which is what it sounds like — our personal list of rules for how we wish other people (and ourselves…) would behave.
And the coolest part of this episode is that we apply these concepts to a very important topic — relationships.
I cover a lot of advanced material in this episode, but I wouldn’t be publishing it if I didn’t intuit that you are ready for and thirsting for these concepts.
P.S. If you want to be more intentional with how you show up in work and in life, you’re ready for the Power Bootcamp . Click the link to sign up!
To celebrate the re-launch of the show, I’m going to be giving away a reMarkable tablet to 1 lucky listener who follows, rates, and reviews the show. The raffle will take place March 31, 2022. I want your honest feedback so I can create an awesome show that provides tons of value. Click here to learn more about the contest and how to enter.
I’ll be announcing the winner on the show in an upcoming episode!
What You Will Discover:
- A new way to look at all your relationships — with others, and yourself.
- How the Self-Coaching Model intersects with Feminine Energy.
- How your Manuals may be operating in the background to frustrate you and make your relationships at home and work more challenging — and what to do about it.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Resources for You:
- Leave a rating and review of the show to be entered in the raffle for a reMarkable tablet!
- Want to learn better communication skills so you can be more content in your relationship;s? Enroll in the Power Bootcamp. It goes way beyond what you learn here on the podcast.
Full Episode Transcript:
SaraEllen Hutchison: We’re going to cover different kinds of relationships , and specifically how to think about them using the model, how to think about them, using masculine and feminine energy that’s taught here, how those actually go together, kind of in a cool way. And we’re going to talk about specific scenarios.
We’re also going to talk about the concept of the manual, which is one of Brooke Castillo’s really powerful concepts to understand and how to work with the manuals that we invariably have and the manuals that other people have for us, so that we can have a more effective life and create what we want in of our relationships, both personal and professional.
So the four kinds of relationships, we’re going to talk about, number one, our relationship with ourselves, because, you know, they say that we come into this world alone and we leave this world alone. And that might sound kind of, I don’t [00:01:00] know, morbid and weird, but the truth is we always have ourselves. We always have our thoughts and that is all we can control.
And who we are in all of our relationships with other people is going to come down to our thoughts and our feelings about ourselves. So we’re going to start there. Number two, we are going to talk about romantic relationships and those kinds of personal relationships that we might have with family.
Third, we’re going to talk about relationships with clients and colleagues. So these are people who are either kind of lateral to us in the kind of the pecking order of work-life, or they are people who are coming to us for our services. And then finally, we’re going to talk a little bit about relationship with authority.
That’s the partner. That is the judge. That is your boss. That is, [00:02:00] you know, whoever is authority figure in your work-life.
First, a quick review of the model. As we know, the circumstances are neutral, the other people in our lives and what they say and what they do — all neutral.
We have thoughts about it. We have thoughts about what they say, what they do. We have thoughts about what we say and do and who we are. And those thoughts, those sentences in our head are what create the feelings that we have. It’s our feelings that drive how we act and how we behave, whether that action is something that you can see or hear somebody doing externally, or it’s some kind of more internal action, like, spinning in your brain or walking into the room with a certain vibe, even if you haven’t said anything, that all goes in the action line of the [00:03:00] model. And then the final part is what are those actions creating for us in our lives? So that is literally the result that we are creating by what we are doing and how we are behaving or what conditions that we have created that make it more or less likely that we are going to receive a certain effect or response from somebody else.
So what Brooke Castillo teaches us is that every relationship really is just the conglomeration of our thoughts about ourselves and about the other person. We can have a relationship with somebody we’ve never met. We can have a relationship with somebody who’s not, you know, in a physical body on this planet anymore.
Somebody who has passed. Because it’s really just our thoughts about it. And, you know, that gives us a tremendous opportunity to heal in ourselves any relationship [00:04:00] that was a struggle for us. It could be, you know, that old boss that we couldn’t get along with, or a grandparent who we didn’t get along with, or even somebody who’s still alive, but we’re choosing for some reason, Hey, you know, I’m just not going to interact with that person anymore.
You can still heal that relationship by choosing different thoughts about it. A lot of the struggles that we have in our relationships come down to what Brooke Castillo calls the manual. And the manual is exactly what it sounds like. It’s kind of like, you know, a corporation might have a policy and procedure manual for how they’re going to hire and fire or how they’re going to, remain in compliance with some, law that affects what they do.
And we have those too. We have this list of usually unwritten rules about how we want other people to treat us what we want them to do. Anytime we hear ourselves [00:05:00] thinking should, or I wish, dot – dot – dot, that’s a big, loud clue that we have a manual for ourselves or for somebody else. And oftentimes when we get in trouble is when we have a should or we have a, I wish somebody would blah, blah, blah, going through our head. And we’re observing that they’re not doing it.
And we’re also thinking that they should just psychically telepathically, know what pleases us and just follow our manual. It’s kind of like the example that I use of the invisible hoop. It’s kind of like, I want you to jump and I’m not going to tell you how high and the hoop is invisible. So you don’t know, you’re just supposed to guess.
And, and, you know, I want you to get it right. And therefore I will feel like you truly love me. If you can suss out how to comply with my [00:06:00] expectations. That my friends, is the manual. It’s our thoughts about the shoulds, the shoulds and the I wishes. And, goodness knows a lot of high-achieving women — We have a lot of these manuals for ourselves.
I should be more disciplined. Sounds really pretty, but usually we feel crappy after we noticed that we haven’t been as disciplined as we think we should be. So the manual’s basically a thought, or a series of thoughts, and that leads to a feeling and that feeling might be frustration. That feeling might be joy or pleasure if the person complied with the manual or guessed it, or, just has the same manual for themselves.
And then how we behave, how we show up in that relationship, be that with another person. Or even in how we talk to ourselves and treat our [00:07:00] selves comes from that feeling. And then we get the result either we may be less disciplined after we should ourselves should on ourselves all day.
And we’re thinking, you know, that they should do that. Cause then we’ll feel more connected to them. And if we hold onto our manual and we keep harping internally about how it feels bad when they don’t do what we want them to do, we’ve actually created more disconnection. All right. So now we are going to jump into some of these specific kinds of relationships to get a lot more insight.
And the whole reason why we do all this is because we want to succeed in our lives. Right? We want the results that we want.
So let’s talk about that relationship with ourselves.
In a lot of personal growth circles. Or in memes that you see or in things that you read, it’s all like, love yourself, love yourself, love yourself. And there are days when we don’t[00:08:00] when we’re frustrated with ourselves, because we have some circumstance, for example, suppose we have a, deadline on Friday and it’s Wednesday afternoon, and let’s say we haven’t started it.
And we might have a thought, like, I should be more disciplined. That’s the manual. That’s the manual that we have for ourselves. But when we’re thinking that we feel maybe shame or anxiety. Because we’re observing by saying, I should, there is a gap between, how we’re acting and what we’re aspiring to be.
And when we’re feeling that shame, oftentimes what we do is then show up to our work in a less effective way, or we might buffer, or we might, complain. And of course, none of that is helping us get the thing done. And as a result, yes, we
create situations where then more [00:09:00] discipline is required because we’ve procrastinated.
What I like to urge people to do when they’re in this kind of cycle of this sort of negative self-talk relationship with themselves. And then they learn the model and then they become aware, you know, that they’re talking to themselves in an unkind manner. They’re like, ah, all these thoughts, all these thoughts, all these thoughts.
I kick it. These thoughts out of my head. I just want these thoughts to stop. I want to stop thinking negative thoughts. Okay. Suck it back. Cancel, cancel, cancel like that. Doesn’t really help because then you have another manual for yourself that you should not be thinking negatively about yourself. I should love myself more. It says so on a t-shirt.
I saw it on Pinterest. So this is what I urge you to do to improve your relationship with yourself. Stop trying so hard to love yourself and observe how you like yourself.
That’s the first thing, oftentimes when we end up having, and I’m about to get into this a little bit more, but we, when we end up having a difficult relationship [00:10:00] with another person, we’re usually having a lot of thoughts about ourselves that are unkind and they might all boil down to this would be going better if I were more worthy, usually that’s the core, nugget of garbage. You know, if you follow that rabbit hole of all of the negative thoughts spiraling down, there’s usually some I’m not worthy or the, you know, hanging out, down there in the bottom of the pit of those thoughts. And so sometimes making this big leap to this super positive, I’m love and light and I’m a goddess and I’m, you know, I love myself and the world is just, just dandy. Isn’t available to us. When we start to just observe those things that we like about ourselves. Even if we use sarcastic humor, like whatever kind of gets you up the ladder of relief, just a little more where you’re not trying to, leap across from one skyscraper to another, [00:11:00] like Spiderman or something.
You’re just inching a little bit more toward that relief in liking yourself.
Oftentimes we, also. Have a difficult relationship with ourselves when we are focused on the past and making the past be who we are in the present, when really the past no longer exists, it happened. We can’t change what happened. It did happen. But when we’re thinking about it now, especially, you know, if it’s uncomfortable, we’re keeping that alive in our minds now.
And so a thought about our past is a now thought we’re having that thought now. We find ourselves just recreating more of the same. To come full circle and to bring this back to what does this mean about your relationship with yourself when you can slow down and take, okay. That was the past.
This [00:12:00] is now. And just sit. This really need to take only a minute or two. You can do this without your journal. You can do this with your journal. What is past and what is now. That brings you back to this place where you can forge a new relationship with yourself. That is not just kind of a, collage of negative past experiences.
And that allows you to really choose who you’re going to be. It really allows you to choose even what you want your personality to be. It gives you a lot of authority back to reinvent yourself — if you want to. You can catalog your so-called failures or you can catalog your successes and things that you at least kind of like about yourself.
And that’s going to get you a whole lot more fuel in that thought line. And in those feeling lines in your models [00:13:00] to get you showing up as the person that you want to be in all of these relationships with these people in the outer world. All of these neutral circumstances, walking around on legs Okay.
Another thing about your relationship with yourself is that we get a lot of cultural indoctrination about what that is supposed to look like. We have this sort of concept from popular culture, you know, from TV shows, from movies, even from places where we interviewed and didn’t take the job, and when we’re thinking about ourselves and our own personality, we may be in this funky dance with what we perceive to be the manual for us and then our own manual for what we, you know, would rather be. And sometimes it can feel like those things are at odds.[00:14:00]
The legal industry might have a manual for us that, we’re supposed to buy a certain kind of suit and walk a certain way and act a certain way in a deposition and act a certain way on a phone call and speak a certain way in court and speak a certain way in our emails. And, we might find ourselves cowering when we don’t want to cower or being really, really rough and aggressive when we don’t want to be that way, or. drafting, redrafting that email to the partner or to, the court clerk or whoever again and again and again, because we’re like wanting to do it, quote unquote. Right.
And so to improve your relationship with yourself and your confidence in these situations, I encourage you to look at whether you perceive there to be manuals handed to you in the, profession or, or the culture of your particular firm or whatever, and then the manuals that you have for yourself.
And if you’re not really sure, you know what, this is [00:15:00] a helpful exercise could be the peanut gallery in your brain. Use your journal.
Prompt. People think and fill in the blank and keep going until you’ve exhausted it. And same with, yourself.
I really think I’m supposed to be blah, blah, blah, but I would rather be blah, blah, blah. And then your thoughts about it. That way you’ve pulled out all these manuals and then you can decide, what of that matches how you want to be. What is your style? How, do you feel comfortable or uncomfortable? And you can be however you want, within the bounds of, what rules there may be.
So then you can just decide what serves me in this situation or not.
And there may still be things that you do that you don’t particularly enjoy, but you like your reasons for doing them, like sometimes, wearing a very boring outfit But [00:16:00] I will always maintain that adhering to a manual of a certain aggressive, cutthroat way is not required.
It’s just simply simply not required.
Okay. Let’s move on to personal relationships. All right. So, like I said earlier with the manuals, a lot of times when we get into. Trouble. So to speak with our personal relationships. It is because we have this expectation in ourselves about what other people should do and when then they don’t do it. That’s when we have a thought sentence in our brain that makes us feel bad and then show up kind of weird in that relationship and in, and I’m going to speak in the context of, romantic relationships, regardless of somebody’s gender or orientation, human beings have [00:17:00] a mixture of masculine and feminine energies.
And these things are not necessarily tied to one’s gender or their orientation, but the feminine energy is usually the one that’s a little more. Creative responsive , more soft. It might be more, inclined to wait and respond
might be more receptive. And then that masculine energy is the one that’s more likely to take action and give direction and try to pin things down and take a more, structured role, the feminine, more unstructured, the masculine, more definite. The feminine, more interested in magnetizing what it wants. The masculine more interested in figuring out a linear way to get to it. And we all have both. We all need [00:18:00] both. There are times that we absolutely need to use that masculine energy to, figure out how we were going to plan our week or to complete something when there’s a fixed deadline, but it’s our feminine energy that is often suppressed.
And a lot of women , especially, you know, who want to be more feminine energy in their lives. We’re so accustomed to this, paradigm and this sort of the manuals, again, the manuals that the profession has for us, that it’s all about winners and losers and things being hard. And. Working hard and billing that time and everything on this very granular level and this very linear way that, we struggle sometimes to actually use our feminine energy.
When we’re, operating exactly like that structure, it’s like oil and water in our energy. It feels like a struggle. It feels like we have to make a leap between who we are right now. And [00:19:00] what the industry, what our work, what the job expects of us. And we’re like that sometimes with these sort of powerful cultural manuals . It’s a very, very old culture, you know, the system that we have in north America. And we think that we don’t measure up.
We often think that we don’t measure up why ‘ cause so much of it is very different from our basic nature as mostly feminine energy women, . But we, but we think that we can’t be who we are because we’re getting this message and we’re just taking it. If you don’t know, or if you’re wrong, don’t let anybody see.
And so what happens to us as we get further and further and further and further and further away from this, yardstick that we’re measuring ourselves against that isn’t even our authentic, true yardstick, We have competing manuals.
And we also think never the Twain shall meet. And that’s why we have so much trouble shutting it off [00:20:00] sometimes when we’ve had a day of trying to live up to what we think they think we need to be . When we get home, we feel off, right. And then when it’s time to be the receptive energy, again, it’s hard. We’ve been in that energy of push and force because, you know, we think that’s what is expected of us. And so when we get home, we might find that.
Everyone around us is in their feminine energy. And what does that look like? It looks like a kid who won’t clean his room. It looks like a, man that we meet at, a singles event
start arguing with us. And then pretty soon he’s like talking to some, you know, chick who isn’t as pretty, but she’s standing there and just kind of go like, ah, and they’re not arguing. And we’re like, what do I have to be? Do I have to be an air head for the men to like me? what do I have to do to get my kid to pick up the socks?
We find that everybody around us is suddenly in their feminine energy. And they’re very, very happy to just lean [00:21:00] back…. And go do something else and wait for us to do it for them. Or maybe they cower and they’re like, oh, you’re too pushy. There’s always that polarity there. And we feel this sort of pressury scarce. Hustley feeling of some kind. Then in our action line, in our actual actions, it might be some way of showing up that we don’t want to do, or it could be more of these subtle things in these vibes of I’m putting on a face to get through this day.
So you’re having all these thoughts. That’s what creates the feeling. And then that is what drives, how you act, even if you’re trying really hard to be a certain way and like in a dating situation, like, okay, I’m going to just lean [00:22:00] back and be chill.
Doesn’t work that way? Does it, because, well then what will happen is
you’re sort of emitting these vibes
and there’s been like scientific studies where they do things like, and this is how lie detector tests work, by the way, you know, it’s, it’s measuring, your pulse, your heart rate, They can do other things where like how much do your pupils dilate, Are you flushed? Are you this or that? There’s all these really super subtle things that people can pick up on. Even if you’re trying really hard to be cool, to be confident, to be this, to be that, whatever it is, that’s what I mean by vibes. So maybe all you did was nothing externally, but you’re just in the space with this other person.
They will feel whether you are in masculine or feminine energy and like a magnet opposites attracting they’ll either [00:23:00] be drawn or repelled. Depending on, you know, where they are or they will switch into whatever is opposite of what you’re doing to counterbalance you. Somebody else with their free will. Can behave however they want, but you’re the one who set yourself up for whatever then happens in your result. So they’re having their own thoughts. They have their own models, they have their own manuals, but these actions create your result, create the conditions, the container for what you can expect to let in from other people.
What does it look like when you are arguing and continuing to push your point of view? What’s the vibe? Is it you trying to be right in masculine energy or is it making a request and then letting them, do what they will, from feminine energy. And, if we were measuring your [00:24:00] vibes. What would those vibes be? Not like, oh, this happens a lot. That’s not specific enough. It might be just one tiny, tiny little little thing.
It might be in a certain spot in the house, like while we’re in the kitchen or, we’re deciding where to go out to eat. Or at a certain time of day, get really specific about like the last time it happened and it’s usually some form of,
it’s usually a manual. Now. Maybe you could poll people on the street and nine out of 10, And they would totally agree with you, but is it serving you to be thinking that he should do something that maybe he’s not doing then the next thing is ask yourself, why, why should he If he did it of his own accord, without me nagging, what would I get? What would be [00:25:00] the result? Why, why is it important to me? And then go through that inquiry enough. And pretty soon you’re going to get down to a pure desire. I want him to bring me flowers … at least a couple times a month because I would feel so acknowledged and seen and loved. Like I can just like, I just don’t have to be on, like, it just don’t have to be the lawyer, you know, when I’m home and I’m around him, usually it’s something very pure. And if you catch yourself, judging yourself for what you want, know that that’s just the patriarchal manual going on in your head about how tough you gotta be when you get to your pure desire about why you think he should do something,
there’s usually a different feeling there, and it’s no longer urge. It’s going to be a pure emotion. It’s going to be just desire. There might be some disappointment, you know, that he hasn’t done it or isn’t doing it. And the thing with those [00:26:00] emotions is that
when you can actually allow yourself to feel it
just, you know, I love you. And I’m disappointed, even if that’s not exactly what you say, like to just really sit with that. You know, I love this person and I’m disappointed. I love this person and
I still really want this other thing,
allowing yourself to feel it makes you realize that the feeling itself is not going to bite. It’s just a feeling it’s just a vibration in the body. Feeling itself is not going to kill you. You can stand there and hold that feeling. This is so important. This is what masterful queen feminine energy does be honest with herself that this he should is.
Is an I want. And,
and then that feeling is desire.
[00:27:00] It might be love. It might be disappointment,
but it’s a clearer feeling. It’s like a cleaner, feeling
because it’s not tangled up with all the thoughts about how the other person should do it, or shouldn’t do it. It focuses on just what you want for you, what you want to be available to receive. And even if this feeling is really, really strong, desire can be really strong for something that’s not yet satisfied.
Disappointment can be really strong if it’s something that you heart felt really, really want the queen energy, the empowered, feminine energy
uses her brain in this thought work to boil it down to these pure feelings. And then it’s able to hold that feeling and realize she has that feeling from her thought. But it’s not all these noisy thoughts out here. This sort of little girl energy. Give me You know, it’s not all [00:28:00] of that kind of stuff.
Pick me, pick me. It is.
desire under the desire under the desire, like the pure, the pure desire, the pure want
the, uncluttered emotion. And then from there, how you behave, how you show up, whether you discuss your point of view or not comes from a different place. The thought he should bring me flowers versus the thought I would love to have flowers from him.
Totally shows up different in your f That thought he should versus I just want drives a feeling, drives you, how you behave around him, drives how you talk to yourself. Cause if he’s not doing something that you think he should do, there’s a bunch of other thoughts about usually what we’re making that mean about ourselves.
And at the end of it, it’s like, we’re not worthy.. but I want the other feel good, [00:29:00] especially when you can accept it. I’m a strong woman and this is what I want. Your vibe becomes very different. That’s when you become magnetic in your feminine energy and not whiny and pushy in your masculine energy or in like a disempowered feminine energy that’s, um, shrewish or a little girlish in some way.
And I’m not saying it happens overnight because we all have a ton of conditioning. even a lot of like couples therapy, couples counseling is like, okay, now you both talk to each other and tell each other what you need. The other person. Oh, my God. That’s so emotionally immature.
And then, and then we’ve all heard about the couples who then go home and then we’ll argue about who won a couple of therapy. Well, they say that, you know, you should just make sure that you and I need this and I need that. And well, you agreed to be totally unproductive. You [00:30:00] just take care of yourself by being honest with yourself.
And then when you’re, when you’re being honest with yourself, your vibe emits
a much safer space for anybody else to walk into.
They don’t get the sense that there’s something lurking under there. That’s going to, jump out, flip out, freak out.
So everything that I just talked about with our romantic relationships, our personal relationships also can work when we want somebody else to do something,
You don’t have to fix correct instruct or manage everything. And the more you do this work to figure out the manuals that you have, it peels away. It really starts to peel away. Once again, when you, when you were operating from sufficiency and that belief that
what is earmarked for you, can’t be taken from you. You know, if [00:31:00] some guy you were interested in, in ends up with someone else he wasn’tyour guy.. How do we know what was supposed to happen? It’s whatever happened. It never serves us to argue with reality, you know, as Byron Katie says, and when you, when you know that you can have your own back and that you will be okay, no matter what, because you can take care of yourself.
As Brooke Castillo says, the worst thing that ever can happen is a feeling that’s truly a great expression of that queen energy, that feminine energy, because if you can handle any feeling, that’s the most empowered, feminine energy thing to do is to be able to stand in any feeling and not lash out from it, not buffer from it, but to just accept it.
That’s when you become most magnetic and receptive and really, really attractive to that masculine energy that wants to come toward you and [00:32:00] give things and give his time. that’s just what makes you magnetic. And that also reads to the masculine energy that you are safe
because you have this mysterious ability to feel your emotions, to know your emotions and not get rocked by them.
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